Don't Ask Sofanda Where to Put the Kernels!

We were hanging around our back yard on Saturday afternoon playing a cut throat game of dominoes with the girls when Bryan offered to make some popcorn to snack on. While the initial interest was low to medium that all changed once the popcorn made it’s way to the patio table. Suddenly there were squeals of joy and moans of pleasure as we were informed that this was the best popcorn they had ever eaten, possibly the best popcorn on the planet – no in the entire fucking universe!

In fact it was so good that the consensus was that I must post our super secret recipe on my blog for the entire fucking universe to enjoy our chemical free microwave popcorn. Well actually the first idea was to send a question to Sofanda Cox for her to answer in this month’s column. After realizing that her answer would be for you to shove the kernels in your ass and jump up and down quickly until the popping slowed we decided my version was probably better or at least more hygenic.

So here we go, here’s the not-so-secret microwave popcorn recipe that we’ve been using since I saw it on some food blog and modified it as my own.

Required:

• 1 brown paper lunch sack
• Popcorn kernels – I get mine in the bulk section and store in the refrigerator
• Olive Oil (I suppose wesson oil would work, but ewwww)
• Popcorn Salt – I prefer Morton’s, but that’s my issue not yours

Optional:

• Stapler
• Butter
• Garlic

Directions:

• Put about a 1/4 cup of kernels in the paper bag. Sometimes I measure and sometimes I just dump a in handful.
• Pour in about 2 tablespoons of oil – or just glug some in like I do.
• Shake in some popcorn salt (or you can do it after it’s popped but I like to put it on now)
• Fold over the top of the bag twice and shake the bag to distribute the oil and salt
  • Optional Step – staple the bag shut. YES, I KNOW… metal and the microwave is bad. But honestly one staple isn’t enough to make it spark. I just fold it over because the stapler lives on the desk upstairs and I’m way to lazy to go get it just because I want to make popcorn.
• Nuke that bag until the popping slows to a few seconds between each pop or you smell burnt popcorn. The popcorn button on our microwave is too long or too short I never can remember because I don’t use it.
  • Optional Step – crush a clove of garlic and place in a bowl with some (if you’re Bryan – a lot) butter. Melt butter and garlic together. Drizzle garlic butter over the popcorn and toss, add more salt if so inclined.
• Eat it.

This is almost as good as the stovetop popcorn my grandmother used to make so that’s saying something. I like it so much more than regular microwave popcorn and I think it’s much healthier this way. If that’s not enough you’ll save enough money by making it this way to afford more beer and there can’t be anything wrong with that, now can there?

**********Disclaimer************* if you die or burn your house down or melt your microwave or kill your elderly parents by using my recipe it’s obvious that you’ve done something wrong and it’s no fault of mine.