Anyone who blogs for more than one grocery cycle will eventually field such questions from his most faithful reader:
Q. Blogger, what do you eat? And how do you eat for under $100 monthly while still keeping your porkly figure? And please describe, briefly, your daily meals, that I might make them again after describing, er, reading of them. After the epic saga from your bronze-age blogging last year of how you sunk the whole of your annual $1.49 cookware budget in an electric wok (formerly $2.99) on 50%-off Green Tag Day at Goodwill, I was left hanging as to your cognate penchant for saving at the greengrocers, that I, too, might stay fat as you on $3 a day.
A. Observe and learn; I’ll be parked in Sector B-17 by the cart corral:
Vegetables and fruits: 50 pounds per month, or 10 half-cup servings a day, at an average of $1 per pound. Fresh: banana, bell pepper, berries, broccoli, butternut squash, cabbage, cantaloupe, cooking greens (beet, collards, kale, Swiss Army charred, turnip), lime, onion, salad greens (chicory, romaine lettuce), sweet potato. Frozen: broccoli, cooking greens, Greenpease, spinach. Canned: cooking greens, spinach, tomatoes: 375 calories daily, $50 per month
Legumes: 8 pounds dry per month, or 2/3 cup dry per day, in 1-pound bags at $1 per pound. Black beans, Great Northern, kidney, lentils, navy, pinto, split peas green and yellow, white, whole peas green and yellow. 400 calories daily, $8 per month
Grains: 1 5-lb. bag whole rye flour at $4 (1/2 cup daily), 2 42-ounce cans oats at $2 each (1/2 cup daily). 450 calories daily, $8 per month
Dairy: 4 1-gallon jugs whole milk at $2.29 per gallon (2 cups daily). 320 calories daily, $9 per month
Meat, eggs, fish: 1 3-pound chicken at $.69 per pound; 1 2-pound package sale boneless/semi-boneless pork sirloin roast/chops at $1 per pound; 3 dozen medium brown eggs at $.99 per dozen; 2 1-pound tubs chicken livers at $1 per pound; 3 15-ounce cans mackerel at $1.25 per can; 1 15-ounce cans pink salmon at $2.50 per can; total daily ration, cooked and drained: 3 1/2 ounces meat/fish/fowl, plus one egg. 275 calories daily, $15 per month
Optional, sparingly, for flavor/fat/sweetness, any desired combination within budget: spices, herbs, salt, pepper, hot sauce, spice blends,*
*At only $2.99 per salt-free 11 oz. shaker, we like new Goya Sazonador Total: “Enhances the natural flavor of your savory foods, making any dish something truly special.”
butter ($1.99/lb.), sugar ($2.50/5 lb.), sour cream ($.99/lb.), grated parmesan ($3.99/lb. bag), pork sausage ($1.19/lb.), bacon ($2.29/lb. sale), pepperoni ($3.99/lb.). 200 calories daily, $10 per month
Daily calories: 2020
Monthly bill: $100
Breakfast: Whisk in large plastic microwave bowl 1 egg, 1/2 cup whole rye flour, 1/2 cup whole milk, 1/4 cup water, 1 tbsp. grated parmesan or romano cheese or sour cream, 1 tbsp softened or melted butter, season to taste. Microwave 12 minutes on high, flipping cake over halfway. Accompany with small piece canned fish with hot sauce, and milk blended with banana and berries.
Lunch: none/optional
Daylong beverages: 6 cups bagged tea ($2.29/100 bags), over ice with squeezed fresh lime halves; 2 cups Café Bustelo (a Cuban-American bodega standby for 80 years) and 2 cups Café El Aguila ,
Giuseppe, at An Affordable Wardrobe: “When we first got poor enough for me to really pay attention to prices, I tried like hell to shave every penny I could from the grocery bill. My coffee was one of the last things to suffer the cut. Thankfully, I discovered Cafe El Aguila. It’s rich and creamy, very strong. I like it with some sugar and a healthy bit of milk in the morning. At a mere $1.59 per 250 gram brick, it’s the best deal going. The company is based in Miami, and apparently it’s popular with Cuban ex-pats. Last I checked, they know a thing or two about real coffee.”
blended strong and liberally milked, over ice: two strong, dark, fine-ground espresso blends from the Caribbean that belie their supercheap prices; let’s hand our French-press coffee-glass over to the Java Janes at Blast O’ Hot Air, the blog of freeform radio station WFMU:
FAVE FIVE
This month, brand new assistant station manager LIZ tells us what keeps her happy in her new job.
Top Five Brands of Pre-Ground Coffee Found In Your Corner Deli That Will Get You Through A Java Emergency Relatively Unscathed
It’s happened before: you wake up on a cold winter morning, severely uncaffeinated, only to find you’re out of beans. Curses! You’ll have to settle for mediocrity. Head out to your local deli and pick up one of these (don’t you dare consider purchasing anything ready-made, instant, or touted by a TV commercial):
Café Bustelo – It’s dark, it’s smooth, and you almost can’t tell it came from a can/vacuum-sealed foil pouch… until you have about 3 cups. Still, this is the best alternative to the real deal.
Café El Aguila – Tastes remarkably like Bustelo, but only half the price. This brand takes second for 2 reasons: a) El Aguila is pretty obscure and can’t be found in most corner delis, and b) it’s not available in a can (c’mon, cans are classy).
Café El Pico – By far the best looking can of the lot. The coffee’s decent, too.
Café Goya – Red beans, black beans, pinto beans… wait, coffee beans? Yes, indeed. The Goya bean empire would not be complete without sinking into the market of mud. Dark, tasty, may leave you on the jittery side.
Café Pilon – A tad nutty, but far from chock full ‘o nutty.
Dinner: soak overnight 1/2 cup medley of dried legumes, or quick-soak by boiling for 2 minutes and setting covered 1 hr. Place drained legumes in bottom of large saucepan with 1 qt. water, season and fat to taste. Place empty steamer or steamer insert atop saucepan. Place in steamer a medley of as many different chopped vegetables as you have on hand and can fit, including canned tomatoes poured on top in the center. Season to taste; 1 tbsp. grated cheese, small portion chopped meat/fish/fowl/pepperoni optional atop vegetables. Place lid atop saucepan and simmer for c. 1 1/2 hours. Turn heat off. Pour cooked legumes and leftover water into blender, then add steamed vegetable medley to blender. Add water if necessary to fill blender. Blend for 30 seconds and pour into large bowl. Eat your soup before, while and after it gets cold, depending on appetite. Do this every day at dinnertime.
Excursus on soap: Besides food (and toothpaste, shaving supplies, paper products, cleaning supplies, &c.), you only need to buy soap. And instead of body soap, shampoo, dish soap, and laundry soap, you only need one soap from among them for all such uses. This is because all such uses involve one central antagonist: animal fat. The body oil and grease you scrub off in the shower: animal fat. The grease you shampoo off your scalp: animal fat. The food grease you scrub off your plates: animal fat. The body grease your clothes washer scours off your clothes: animal fat. That’s why for all our soap needs, we recommend, in addition to the liquid castile soaps available from Trader Joe’s and Dr. Bronner’s,*
*[From our 2005 blog SUB SPECIE ÆTERNITATIS] Best liquid soap: Dr. Bronner’s 18-in-1 Castile Soap (peppermint scent). The close-printed hippy-dippy metaphysics spread far and wide across the plastic bottle will make for amusing bathroom reading, and you may have to try the health-food shop, but there’s nothing quite like the invigorating rush from the peppermint oil on your skin in confederacy with the scent in the shower – and the all-purpose versatility you’ll find when you’ve got Dr. Bronner in the House will have you inviting him to all your well-scrubbed functions. A little goes a long way, lathers gloriously and rinses swiftly. Honorable Mention: Trader Joe’s peppermint-scented Castile Soap.
in bar form, Kirk’s Coco Castile soap .*
*[again from 2005] Best bar soap: Kirk’s Coco “Hard Water” Castile Soap. …You won’t need a trip to the health-food store for this one, just a decent big-box supermarket. The lather goes from Zero to Shaving Cream to Shooting Niagara in seconds, and is truly a pleasant luxury you ought not deny you. It really does, per Mfr.’s claim, “rinse with thrilling ease” – and, like Dr. Bronner’s, makes a pretty country-fair shampoo as well…
And for both the dishes and the laundry, you can set a $1 bar to dissolve in a pint of hot water, and squeeze-bottle it for a nickel a load.